I used to be sad about the climate apocalypse but i went on a few dates and, honestly, i’m ready now
When our friends got married in Thailand, my girlfriend was so sure we were invited she booked flights and hotel. Turned out it was immediate family only, so we spent 4 days hiding from them on the resort until they left, and to my knowledge they still have no idea we were there.
Doing my civic duty by ensuring that my students know the difference between “lose” and “loose.”
An adult is a person who makes noise when they stand up.
I was in a busy lift today and someone opened and started eating an egg sandwich.
Just to repeat: in a lift.
My Dad hasn’t had to buy Irish Spring bar soap in years, when I was 9 he found a pallet on sale at Meijer for 19 cents a bar and one day I will inherit the reminder of the 900 bar purchase.
We only have one day set aside to celebrate women, but sharks get a whole week! Clearly, women need to start eating more people.
You ever notice how when you get home from food shopping, the kids turn into airport security?
Coffee: hi
Me: hey
*slow 80’s saxophone starts playing*
Brings a particularly tough steak to a knife fight.
When all you wanted was a good paying job, but now you have to touch base, circle back, dive deep, be more impactful, come up with action plans, utilize your resources, go above and beyond, and piggyback off of what Susan said
My 8yo asked if she could have the last cookie. I said no because it’s mine. She asked if she could have a half. I said okay. Now… I’m pretty sure she’s failing math because all she left me was a crumb
Went to an outdoor restaurant in the rain once. Took me two hours to finish my soup.
Him: And if you don’t have my money by Friday I’ll send my 5 toughest guys to beat it out of you
Me: Okay first of all I’m incredibility flattered that you think it’ll take 5 of you to win…
women who kind of look like Kate Middleton with the right pair of sunglasses on have the opportunity to do the funniest thing possible