what the hell girl, sure
I will never be a cocomelon parent you gone sit here n watch the wire season 4
shotgunning a can of soup and crushing it against my forehead like a beer can
I purposely overcook my holiday turkeys so I don’t have to hear anyone at the table say, “moist.”
However I die, I want my tombstone to say “Unknown Local Man Found Eaten By Squirrels.”
Me: I can forgive but I’ll NEVER forget
McDonald’s cashier: Again Sir, I’m sorry we left you a nugget short in your six piece meal
due date
zone out
Me: I’m so into escape rooms I do one every day!
HR: you need to stop referring to our workplace as an escape room.
I just can’t think what this suitcase is the best thing since?
My mom says if I’m a good boy, I can be the captain of the gravy boat at Thanksgiving this year.
me: *starts the washer*
me, two minutes later: what’s that noise
I’m out of butter but I’ve got some whole milk, a jar and a stick, so I’m about to sit down and get things done.
I hate when people say “Bite me” and then act all surprised…..
