when people ask how much i weigh i always say ‘with or without blood?”
Me when I’m making a big pot of soup: haha fuck yeah!! Yes!!
Me when I have to clean the big pot I used to make the soup: well this f***ing sucks. What the f**k
I would like you to meet my significant other. Her name is Cheese.
The Children of the Corn were better with the Children of the Butter and the Children of the Salt.
My son found me crying in the kitchen, wrapped his arms around me and whispered, “Is it because of your hair?” Now I’m crying for two reasons.
One time I got so high I couldn’t figure out the pizza ordering app so I ordered a chicken bacon ranch pizza with no chicken no bacon no ranch add tomato sauce add pepperoni add sausage and it was so bad the manager of the place called my personal number
just bought 4 pounds of cherries like I’m in some f***ing math problem
Babe, are you today’s date cuz you’re a 1/10
I like when they mic up hockey players because 95% is censoring beeps for swear words and then 5 percent is like “you’re a good dad I see you on Instagram you’re quite the family man eh”
Friend: Did you see that movie about The Substance?
Me, thinking they’re talking about Flubber: Yeah, wow. Just wow.
When I (vegetarian) hear the server list the specials and don’t want to hurt their feelings: Hmmm the filet mignon sounds really nice. Shrimp linguine, that I’m sure is delicious too. Let me think oh yeah I’ll have the fries.
Just remembered the time my ex’s southern Baptist grandparents in Oklahoma took us on a drive to get lunch and didn’t mention we were quickly stopping by an entire church service first. Gotta give it to them in retrospect
As a kid I was worried about randomly disappearing into the Bermuda Triangle forever.
As an adult I’m wondering how I can actually make that happen.
I don’t think we should be adding any new states to the US until we fix whatever the fuck is wrong with New Jersey
gonna start parting my hair down the middle so i can write poetry better