Someone was saying that social media makes you miss out on your real life, but have you seen real life?
LAWYER: I would like to call my next witness, Sprinkles the cat.
JUDGE: would Sprinkles the cat please psspsspss
sitting in front of a man and woman on the train who have hit it off and lord, this is better than drugs
My kids couldn’t give two shits about personal hygiene unless we are running late somewhere
Her: I don’t even know what the cloning machine does
Me: Well that makes two of us
[poorly lit restaurant]
me: I can’t see the menu
wife: just ask the waiter to bring some candles
me: no I want food
You can make friends in a doctor’s waiting room as long as you have something broken and not something coughing
how do i become a farmer do i apply somewhere or just like start digging
by accepting their pardons the turkeys are admitting guilt
76% of pardoned turkeys end up back in the system
13: Did you know that the youngest photo of you is also the oldest photo of you?
Me: ok Socrates time for bed
Following my previous tweet, I would like to clarify that I am not running for mayor. I meant to say that I was running from the mayor but mistyped because I was running at the time.
Children will see a neatly hanging dish towel and be like oh hell no
mamma mia! is such a fascinating paradox… italian phrase as its name, it takes place in greece. the songs are from a swedish band. british supporting cast, living around greek people, and the main characters have american accents. no one knows how to sing, but everyone is drunk
Existential crisis becomes ex’s tinsel crisis, when Christmas is involved
