It must be hard for a vampire to floss their fangs when they can’t see their reflection in a mirror.
that time you heard your best friend swear in front of his mom
yeah nice try. not falling for that again
Mom says she’s watching a video about dating fossils.
I wonder if that’s how she met Dad?
Me: that curry was delicious. What was in it?
Hannibal Lecter: it’s a family recipe.
Me: Can I get a spoon to finish off the sauce?
Hannibal: Just mop it up with your nan.
It’s above my pay grade to try to debate or change minds on social media. If you want to call a fish a squirrel, you’re right. Look at that squirrel swim
Having switched her bedroom light off last night, I softly said goodnight to my 11yr old. Tenderly moving her hair from her face and telling her that I loved her, she looked at me and responded with:
“Your teeth are illuminous.”
only three people know my grandma’s secret tuna casserole recipe & two of them have been missing since 1957
It was the best of times, it was the election year of times.
Me, with $33 left after paying bills: Let’s see how much a Land Rover costs
I accumulated a ton of student loan debt after 9 years in “college,” but I’m certain that VCR repair school has given me all the tools necessary to pay it off quickly.
Someone at work just farted and I panicked and said ‘compliments to the chef’. Wtf
Good for him.
Beautiful woman who approaches my friend: Hey! You’re the father of one of my kids
Friend: Listen I got a good life, we both agreed it was a one time thin-
Woman: I’m his English teacher