quick somebody give me a grocery to buy. I absolutely cannot walk out of this store with just cucumbers and coconut oil.
My kidnappers are trying to leave but I bolted the doors shut lol
A bodybuilding and pastry shop business called John Cena-bon
Looking for investors
9-year-old: Sorry I stayed up past my bedtime last night.
Me: You stayed up past your bedtime?
9: No.
Celery is depressing green water wafers.
The best way to prevent COVID is the consumption of durian fruit. It doesn’t kill the virus but it is excellent for social distancing
they should invent a romcom where no one has to overhear anything that leads to a huge unnecessary misunderstanding
Beef and broccoli with calrose rice is on the menu tonight. If you’re coming over, bring condoms. (Just checking to see if you actually read this shit or just blindly RT)
You can have glossy lips or you can have a cat. You can’t have both.
Calling someone unconventionally attractive is so funny like yeah you’re kind of busted but I can bravely see the beauty in you due to my Open Mind
I held a ninjas anonymous group session today. I’m not sure if anyone showed up, but the coffee and donuts are all gone.
Family means eating together at a buffet and everyone calling dibs on the toilet during the ride home.
It is possible to fail a cheese-making class but you have to eat your entire final exam to find out.
Women would be all over Bruce Wayne if he showed them the bat cave, but when I say… “hey wanna check out this cave under my house?”…. I get karate chopped
[to the person sitting next to me on my flight] where u headed