My boss said he likes how I remain so calm under pressure. Can’t tell him it’s because I don’t give a shit
i let my cat smell every wine i drink so she can get a job as a sommelier and help pay my rent
inside you there are two rabbits. now there are 3. 4… 5! Oh dear God..
“When one door closes, another one opens.” -Boeing
Interviewer: can you give me an example of when you overcame a challenge?
Me: yep. I made it here on time even though I got really high an hour ago
The name “Boeing” makes so much sense now considering it’s basically the sound of something hitting the ground and bouncing.
Pandas are such weird, unserious bears. There’s no way they don’t get laughed out of the room at the Bear Council.
*bringing a parachute as my hand luggage on any Boeing flight from here on in
they should make living room pits with couches in them again. you’re walking. not paying attention. you fall. now you’re chilling. no embarrassment just leisure.
I don’t know what to say to a woman when she is angry, but it’s definitely not, “Whatever, Pippi Wrongstocking.”
A guy riding a bike past me said “hey how you doing” just before I called over my dog with kissing sounds, which was awkward but now I have a date
Metallica’s “Nothing Else Matters” is my favorite song about that 5 minutes of sleep before the alarm goes off.
Buying a new phone isn’t even satisfying anymore. It’s literally just your old phone with a haircut.
Why wait til you own a boat? name your fridge
What does a cannibal eat for a snack?
Finger food.