It’s not that I don’t care about your opinion but everyone has one. They’re everywhere. You can’t walk without tripping on one. They’re falling from the sky now, lurking in dark alleys. One time a strong opinion threw me on its shoulder & carried me off like a Viking marauder.
barber: your hair is so dry
pavlov: i forgot to condition it
I only wear a scarf on really cold days. I should probably wear some other clothes too.
I find the fact Barney and friends got overlooked for every single Jurassic Park movie… bizarre
If they’re going to advertise “Shots available now!” they really should specify if it’s needle or drinky.
if the earth is so flat explain why cats haven’t pushed everything off it yet. you can’t.
Why do my fully charged AirPods deplete at different rates? Do I listen harder out of one ear?
Commonly confused phrases:
In the same boat = We’re going through this together
On the same page = We understand each other
In the same trunk = We’re getting kidnapped OMG
I have alopecia. I don’t wear a wig at work because it’s a very physical job. I was in the washroom and a customer with children were washing their hands. One child pointed at me and EXCLAIMED
“Mommy is that a boy or a girl?”
So I barked.
🤷🏼♀️
I hate when doctors knock before they come in. Like what do you want me to say “who is it?”
got banned from Trader Joe’s for my controversial political opinions (or because I keep taking cheese into the bathroom)
No one cares about a firm handshake anymore. Now a slice of ham in your palm…that’s confidence.
My daughter’s coach described her attack approach as whimsical and gallop-y.
I used to believe in International Women’s Day… then I realised it was just my dad sneaking into my room, dressed as an International Woman.
Inflation has drastically altered what it means to say “I just ate $25 worth of Taco Bell”