Sometimes I feel so bad about not being perfect but then I remember people who expect you to be perfect all the time are exhausting and then I scratch my armpits like a monkey.
This weekend I lost an hour to daylight saving time and another hour stuck behind a person at the ATM who was apparently transferring funds to a Swiss bank account, refinancing their mortgage, and making 12 withdraws from 12 different accounts.
‘Perfectly preserved 90s Burger King’ is the result I want from a skincare product
Why drive 6 minutes for food when I can order doordash for $93
me: I need to get this framed
optometrist: just say you need glasses
(spilling my bag at the airport in an attempt to show off) oh sorry lol these are just my Hot Wheels
Her: What’s with the bunny?
Him: I’m teaching him to look into the mirror and say, “you talkin’ to me?”
Her: Why?
Him: Because Rabbit Deniro is a badass and an artist, Lauren.
I’m 6 doughnuts away from being the elephant in the room.
Those American Pickers guys drove all over the country looking for antiques when they could have just bought stuff new and then waited.
Probably my favorite thing to do for fun is be 25 years younger
I have a bit of an inferiority complex. But it’s not a very good one.
Dad: You spent $750 for a college class on human anatomy? Do you think we’re MADE OF MONEY??
Me: Not anymore
My daughter just said “my friends all think you’re cool but I know you’re not.” Like WTF man I was just sitting there minding my business
Interviewer: Your resume appears to have a few holes in it
Me: Yeah that would be from the ferrets
i love when dog owners are like “our dog is very food-motivated!” like yeah. it’s a dog