My 8yo asked if she could have the last cookie. I said no because it’s mine. She asked if she could have a half. I said okay. Now… I’m pretty sure she’s failing math because all she left me was a crumb
Went to an outdoor restaurant in the rain once. Took me two hours to finish my soup.
Him: And if you don’t have my money by Friday I’ll send my 5 toughest guys to beat it out of you
Me: Okay first of all I’m incredibility flattered that you think it’ll take 5 of you to win…
women who kind of look like Kate Middleton with the right pair of sunglasses on have the opportunity to do the funniest thing possible
It’s not that I don’t care about your opinion but everyone has one. They’re everywhere. You can’t walk without tripping on one. They’re falling from the sky now, lurking in dark alleys. One time a strong opinion threw me on its shoulder & carried me off like a Viking marauder.
barber: your hair is so dry
pavlov: i forgot to condition it
I only wear a scarf on really cold days. I should probably wear some other clothes too.
I find the fact Barney and friends got overlooked for every single Jurassic Park movie… bizarre
If they’re going to advertise “Shots available now!” they really should specify if it’s needle or drinky.
if the earth is so flat explain why cats haven’t pushed everything off it yet. you can’t.
Why do my fully charged AirPods deplete at different rates? Do I listen harder out of one ear?
Commonly confused phrases:
In the same boat = We’re going through this together
On the same page = We understand each other
In the same trunk = We’re getting kidnapped OMG
I have alopecia. I don’t wear a wig at work because it’s a very physical job. I was in the washroom and a customer with children were washing their hands. One child pointed at me and EXCLAIMED
“Mommy is that a boy or a girl?”
So I barked.
🤷🏼♀️
I hate when doctors knock before they come in. Like what do you want me to say “who is it?”
got banned from Trader Joe’s for my controversial political opinions (or because I keep taking cheese into the bathroom)