STEP 1: Kids decorate gingerbread house.
STEP 2: Kids leave gingerbread house unattended.
STEP 3: Enter dog.
i want wolverine claws. not for violence or anything. i want them for easing my way through reality. like opening an amazon package. or killing a neighbor.
No one:
Absolutely no one:
My 5yo: I wanna know how people break out of jail.
*first day of pilot school*
Teacher: Did you read the class description wrong?
Me: No, why do you ask?
The parrot on my shoulder: No, why do you ask?
According to a new study, people who often trail off in the middle of a sentence are 30% more likely to
The moderator on this ‘brainstorming’ conference call emphasized that there were “no dumb ideas,” a claim soundly disproven within the first few minutes of the discussion.
My 11-year-old has never worn slippers so naturally this is the one thing she remembered to pack for vacation.
My cousin Clevis is afraid of nudists. He’s the only person I know who bought a T-shirt cannon for self-defense.
I talk to my dog like she’s human and, like most humans, she looks at me like I’m an idiot.
*the doctor leans in & whispers to the baby that was born minutes ago*
your parents are expecting you to keep their turbulent relationship in tact. good luck
whenever a study shows excessive screen time causes brain damage i’m like yeah. me know.
the main reason men’s shirts have those little breast pockets is just in case their gf becomes a worm
Normalise saying “better you than me” to people who keep complaining about everything.
Slowly descending into madness anyone want anything?
Sometimes I think about when I told my 10 year old he could be like me when he grew up because I was trying to be cool and he said YAY, I GET TO LAY ON A HEATING PAD ALL DAY