Friend meeting my newborn: omg what’s his name
Me: I don’t know he won’t tell us
Me: [Has only ever touched a gun once in my life]
Me every time I’m at the airport: oh no what if I accidentally packed a gun
bird to holiday ratio:
thanksgiving: 1 bird
christmas: 184 birds
easter: 0 birds but 79,379 eggs
I was selling ad spots in a low budget print magazine. A dude sent an animated gif. I explained it’s printed. “So?” It won’t animate… “why not?” It’s on paper. “So?”
I hate when my foot falls asleep and I have to kick a coworker in the face to wake it up.
When the moon hits your eye like 3.14 Pi
That’s the ratio of its circumference to its diameter
born to say “are you f*****g stupid” forced to say “wow i’ve never thought about it like that before”
When I am calculating any risk, I think to myself: is this first cat life behavior? Or ninth cat life behavior?
me: I need a new shirt
stores: way too small or ridiculously oversized?
My work mom text me and asked what I was doing so uI told her I’m doing my nightly Indeed 30 job applications. I told her I’m applying for everything, qualified or not, shit, I just applied to NASA and I don’t even like to fly or astronaut ice cream
I’m going to try and be less of a people pleaser, is everyone ok with that?
You look like the kind of person who would hit rock bottom and then start drilling.
airlines: “you can purchase a can of beer”
me: 😃
“it’s $9”
😩
“there’s a 50/50 chance we’ll forget to come back and charge you”
😃
Why I gotta scan all my parts at tsa but they cant scan the airplane for all its parts
ME: my wife and I do this cute thing where we finish each other’s sentences
WARDEN: no