if the earth is so flat explain why cats haven’t pushed everything off it yet. you can’t.
Why do my fully charged AirPods deplete at different rates? Do I listen harder out of one ear?
Commonly confused phrases:
In the same boat = We’re going through this together
On the same page = We understand each other
In the same trunk = We’re getting kidnapped OMG
I have alopecia. I don’t wear a wig at work because it’s a very physical job. I was in the washroom and a customer with children were washing their hands. One child pointed at me and EXCLAIMED
“Mommy is that a boy or a girl?”
So I barked.
🤷🏼♀️
I hate when doctors knock before they come in. Like what do you want me to say “who is it?”
got banned from Trader Joe’s for my controversial political opinions (or because I keep taking cheese into the bathroom)
No one cares about a firm handshake anymore. Now a slice of ham in your palm…that’s confidence.
My daughter’s coach described her attack approach as whimsical and gallop-y.
I used to believe in International Women’s Day… then I realised it was just my dad sneaking into my room, dressed as an International Woman.
Inflation has drastically altered what it means to say “I just ate $25 worth of Taco Bell”
My husband: When have I ever steered us wrong?
*Flashback to 2014*
My husband: Trust me, investing a huge chunk of our life savings in RadioShack is going to make us millionaires.
I am dedicated. I go to the gym every day, and I’ve kept my sea monkeys alive for 12 years.
Me: finally drifting off to sleep
The alarm: you’re not gonna believe this
The Fast and the Furious is my favourite movie about me running away after dropping a vase in an antiques store
The best detective novels are the ones where the detective is on holiday but then get forced to solve a local murder. We’ve all been in that situation where we just want some peace and quiet but then a holidaying detective shows up and solves the murder we’ve just committed.