Sometimes I like to imagine Thanos singing the Addams Family theme song just snapping people in and out of existence
bought an eggplant, imma grow my own eggs
After a particularly tense morning with 4, she looks me dead in the eye and says, “Did you know there are families without moms?”
It was nice knowing you all.
Might quit my job and become a content creator and live off the royalties for the next 19 seconds.
Gonna bring a notepad and a fancy pen to my next therapy session cause yessiree two can play that game.
In case you wanted to mess with me, just know I went 10 for 10 at trivia last night on the round about famous female killers.
It’s spirit day dress as your idol and my son went as his dad and my daughter went as me and her twin went as a dog. Note to reader: we don’t have a dog.
the worst part of jury duty is having to shower with all the other jurors
Airplanes are like bad printers. It sucks when they’re inside your office building
I get it, people who leave Styrofoam everywhere. it is heavy and hard to pick up and put in the trash.
*recovering from a broken ankle*
My dogs: Let us protect you by making sure we are under every. single. step.
“There’s no reason to be on Twitter anymore.”
*Every other site goes down*
“Guess who’s back…back again.”
The nicest thing you can do for someone with a new baby is agree the baby looks exactly like whoever they say it looks like even though all babies look basically the same to outside observers. Yes yes he looks remarkably like your uncle George, uncanny, really.
I used to be sad about the climate apocalypse but i went on a few dates and, honestly, i’m ready now
When our friends got married in Thailand, my girlfriend was so sure we were invited she booked flights and hotel. Turned out it was immediate family only, so we spent 4 days hiding from them on the resort until they left, and to my knowledge they still have no idea we were there.