Me: Can you do MyFitnessPal with me?
Husband: *immediately loses 8lbs*
And now…a ‘joke’.
“WAITER! I’d like to complain about my lion pie”
“What seems to be the problem, madam?”
“It’s ROAR in the middle”
“Apologies, madam. I shall bring you the menu so you can choose an alternative MANE course”
*coughs*
There’s nothing like sitting by an open fire..watching the evidence burn.
They should make a movie where Hannibal becomes giant and is eating everyone. Then he watches the Ring tape on a giant screen and Sadako comes out and is huge and they fight
“And what is it about this job that appeals to you?”
“Well, I can fit it in around my lifestyle. Also being able to pardon myself for the crimes I’ve committed”
who can I pay to hit me in the head with a baseball bat so I go into a coma for exactly 2 weeks and one day
Joseph Smith, 1833
Math at Halloween.
My husband can remember the college a football player went to, what year he was drafted, the number he was picked in the draft, and his height, but can’t remember a certain neighbor’s name no matter how many times I tell him it.
Welcome to parenting — the only hobbies you have left are the ones you can do in the bathroom.
Cameraman here. If I’m in the newsroom during a live news broadcast I ring my mates and they get their kids to watch, as I tell them to look at the newsreader’s shoulder, at which point I stand up and magically appear in the background. The kids love it.
Hockey would be better if the players had to write a short essay about what they did wrong before they could leave the penalty box.
pain
