Me & my mate are Scots. We were visiting England & got arrested for being drunk and disorderly. The English cops really believed our names (in Scottish accent) were Ben Doon and Phil McAvity. We were only rumbled when the Scottish desk sergeant at the station burst out laughing.
So we’ve been saving this hour for four months and we’re going to squander it all in one night?
I tell ya, government spending is out of control.
a crowd trying to stone me to death but i keep catching them in my pockets
– How can you read that without your glasses?
– I use my imagination
Avocados were 5 for $2 so anyway that’s how I ended up paying $2 to eat one avocado
Had to explain to my hot guy friend that people are nice to him all the time because he’s hot. Dude thought it was because he was a Pisces
Disney set unrealistic standards of how often woodland creatures would help me clean and do laundry if I just sang out my window
Filmmaker: “I made a documentary.”
Netflix Exec: “Great. How much footage do you have?”
Filmmaker: “About 15 minutes.”
Netflix Exec: “Sold. We’ll release it as four 1-hour episodes.”
I was abducted by aliens. They made me wash my hands, clean my room, and eat my vegetables.
Turns out I was on the mothership.
WARNING: People who need to leave their homes today are advised that it is extremely Monday outside this morning.
I have to find the recorder the school sent home last year, or something terrible will happen. The school will send home another recorder.
Just saw a mail truck drive by on a Sunday, I assume it was full of either FBI agents or jewel thieves
My dribbled milkshake stains bring all the dry cleaners to my yard
My dog saw me naked this morning
now she’s sitting down at the end of the driveway waiting for her Uber to the shelter
My wife ate a bowl of chili and a large coffee before our kids’ soccer game today, so I gave her the car keys and said “I hope you make it in the time”