911 OPERATOR: 911 what’s your emergency
ME: ok promise you won’t be mad
Whoever coined, “No good deed goes unpunished,” must have fed some seagulls.
I like my salad like my poker opponents – obscured from view by a massive f****** pile of my chips.
“This joke wasn’t funny until the end” okay so that’s called the punchline…….
tired: rom-coms sold us lies about love
wired: rom-coms sold us lies about building a career in journalism
what’s a good synonym for “experienced” to use in an overview summary on a resume? i tried “jaded” and apparently that’s not what employers are looking for
If I turned into a “teen wolf” my first order of business would definitely be helping my basketball team get to the local championships!
People often mistake me for an adult because of my age
Give me your crispy noodles and no one gets hurt.
Filling a thermos:
weird that the doc wanted a stew sample
i swear to god if the house of commons does not stop fighting i will turn this car around
He was rare. Like my car without any warning lights on
My hair has officially hit “accidentally dip in salad dressing” length.
Ask me how I know.
with both parents in the hospital the second most asked question i get after “how are they” is “how is your husband doing with the kids when you’re gone all the time?”
im going to start telling people he was unable to handle them so he sold them to the circus
Interviewer: Can you explain this gap in your CV?
Me: Yes, that’s when I didn’t have a job.