I’m not saying I could stand to diet, I’m just saying I did a few jumping jacks and all the car alarms started going off in the neighborhood.
You know you’ve mastered marriage when you shout to your husband, “Take the thing off the thing,” and he immediately removes the tin foil from the baking sheet.
I was downtown today on the sidewalk screaming at a plastic bag I thought was a ghost and then I saw you see me and then you crossed the street and now I need to tell you in person I know it wasn’t a ghost so when you hear tapping at your backdoor tonight just come out please.
Are folks still buyin’ those weighted blankets and whatnot? Were their normal-a** blankets just flyin’ off in the middle of the night? “It happened again, Melissa. I gotta sew some sandbags into that shit.”
F*** you and the horse you rode in on!
Horse: Look man, I was just giving this guy a ride.
You ever stop and think about how lucky your friends are that you put so much effort and care into the memes you send them
due to personal reasons, i will be screaming into a pillow.
going ballistic. anyone need anything?
All these silly debates on social media are all a ploy to distract you from the fact that they are moving public urinals closer together everyday.
Dog: I will guard you with my life!
Cat: What was your name again?
My salad is dry.
That’s a problem that needs a dressing.
Wanted to listen to my audiobook, but didn’t want to get up out of bed & find headphones so my brain was like ugh, there should be closed captions you can turn on so you can listen to the story silently
I was cleaning one of my finger guns and accidentally blew a hole through my air guitar.
My 3 year old wants 3 cookies because he’s 3. So I’m having 36.
Who called them mermaids and not scale models?