Me: finally drifting off to sleep
The alarm: you’re not gonna believe this
The Fast and the Furious is my favourite movie about me running away after dropping a vase in an antiques store
The best detective novels are the ones where the detective is on holiday but then get forced to solve a local murder. We’ve all been in that situation where we just want some peace and quiet but then a holidaying detective shows up and solves the murder we’ve just committed.
Me: You should’ve seen this dude checking me out, I have to admit I called back to him.
Him: You called him back? Wait, that’s a bird.
Me: I didn’t say he was interested
Just saw two identical twins out in public together. No disrespect to that lifestyle but please keep it private
i prefer to think of myself as less “bad at running” and more “really good at running 13 minute miles
Why are dirty words only four letters. There should be at least one 19-letter word that’s so filthy you get grounded for a month.
political ads are like “i”m the only one strong enough to stand for what’s right” then they send you an email “they’re kicking my ass, i’m desperate, i’m losing this thing, i need your $5”
Oh really, your baby’s “strong for his age.” Bring him to the dojo
The trick when dealing with customer service on the phone is to appear busier than you are. Ask the representative to hang on for just a second and turn away from the phone and say: “Mertle, cut Arthur a severance check please.”
The quickest way to get your kid to do their homework is to ask them to help with some chores
Oh, more embarrassing things I have done as a lawyer:
While working from home, I joined zoom court with my microphone on, not realized it, and reacted to a knock at the door by yelling “I swear to god I am in court right now!” And the judge said, “yes, you are.”
Me, about to cook non-English food: time to start culinising
True story on this from a place I worked. Guy knew he was going to be fired on Monday, we were closed Sundays, and he was the last person in the building Saturday. Put jello (powder) in all the toilet tanks before leaving. Called in sick Monday.
We’d like to remind passengers that free in-flight wi-fi is available for purchase immediately after take off
– airlines airlining