My salad is dry.
That’s a problem that needs a dressing.
Wanted to listen to my audiobook, but didn’t want to get up out of bed & find headphones so my brain was like ugh, there should be closed captions you can turn on so you can listen to the story silently
I was cleaning one of my finger guns and accidentally blew a hole through my air guitar.
My 3 year old wants 3 cookies because he’s 3. So I’m having 36.
Who called them mermaids and not scale models?
I’ve just been asked if I’m OK as it looked like I was talking to myself in a pub. I said yes and was just working out a problem out loud about a cancelled train. I was actually talking to a spider.
It’s only a murder of crows if there’s probable caws
If my body was covered entirely in eyeballs, I still couldn’t look at you enough.
*me being romantic*
Forgot about the 12-20 months stage of having a baby where your house is just littered with random objects they picked up, carried around, and dropped for no reason like you live inside a claw machine.
its wild how some kids are so free with other new kids with brief torrential friendships on a playground. imagine grown ups just walking up to each other like “HEY, ADULT” and then you’re grocery shopping or doing your taxes together for an hour then never see them again
Everyone on the bus thinks that they are the main character, when in reality the main character is the bus
ME: (throwing my car keys to the valet) Run me over real quick, chief.
“Can you delete that photo of me? It looks EXACTLY the way I look in real life.”
-People
I used to think that ‘Gun point’ and ‘Knife point’ were real places. I’d see or hear media reports about things like; ‘man robbed at knife point’ and think ‘ooh, never want to go there, too much crime.’
At the self checkout I make small talk with myself and I wish I would just shut up