It’s March tomorrow. February lasted 17 seconds. Christmas soon. Knew I shouldn’t have put the tree away.
I lied on my resume yesterday. I told them I wanted a job
we should absolutely get off work for Leap Day. you’re making me clock in on february 29th? a totally made up day? time is an illusion and so is capitalism. i’m going to the park
The Wendy’s Baconator is my favorite burger that also sounds like a pig from the future who’s here to kill you
Pros and cons of doing something you love:
Pros: It’s something you love
Cons: Doing.
I’m doing zoom therapy at my mom’s house while she’s in the other room so I guess it’s dad’s fault today
Son: “Did you know alligators can grow up to 15 feet?”
Me: “Wow, I thought most only had 4.”
The first five days after the weekend are the worst.
Slipknot sacked their drummer a few months ago, and suddenly Kate Middleton is nowhere to be seen?
Surely not a coincidence, she must be locked in rehearsals frantically learning their tour set list and getting a horror mask fitted.
Does anyone want a $100 bill? Because I’m giving away $100 bills!
Here, you can have my $100 phone bill… and my $100 grocery bill…. and my $100 insurance bill!
Them: What is your favorite thing to go hiking with?
Me: My car.
Attention, Auto-Correct – it’s never “He’ll yeah!” Stop trying!
You’d think Kate Middleton would have people to hide for her.
I was talking to my wife last night. Man, it sounds like her husband is a real jerk.
it is 1424. we live in hovels and discuss the fate of the princess. meat is too expensive.
it is 1724. we live in hovels and discuss the fate of the princess. meat is too expensive.
it is 2024. we live in hovels and discuss the fate of the princess. meat is too expensive.