I have a coworker with the same first name as me, and my boss is always talking about sending him on trips or assigning him projects, and it makes me anxious even though I know he’s not talking about me.
I bet Beyoncé doesn’t have this problem.
Maybe Kate Middleton ran away with me. You don’t know.
[in the middle of a mountain lion attack] do not make me get the spray bottle
My 6yo is chanting all the words that rhyme with sucker and this is going to end badly in about 3 seconds
It’s so weird that AI applications keep getting forced on us even though they barely work. It’s like if when potato chips hit the market, every bag was half full of pencil shavings.
My wife has close friends whose husbands are notably worse than me and I highly recommend this arrangement
My flabber has been gasted.
[my first day as a bank teller]
guy comes up to window: i’m here to make a withdrawal
me: i’ll need to see some ID sir
guy [pulls out gun]: here’s my ID
me: umm, sir, that’s not ID. that’s a gun [turning to coworker] is this guy an idiot?
guy: no, i’m saying, this is a robbery
me: no, sir. this is a bank [turning to coworker] is this dude for real?
My three kids are roughly the same age as Kate Middleton’s so I can say pretty confidently that she is hiding in the bathroom pretending to pee for a really long time.
had a talk with my manager where i told him it’s hard to do my job when i’m left off of emails/meetings and he said “well when you’re left out just let me know” and then i stared at him until he went “but if you were left out, you wouldn’t know….”
The main difference between my dog and my kid is my dog responds to her name being called
so weird when you meet a girl with the same name as your sister because they’re like hi I’m Jenna and you’re like no you are not. I’m sorry but you are not
I was thinking of becoming self employed but due to cutbacks I can’t afford to hire me right now.
i’ve been ghosted enough to add paranormal investigator to my resume.
Normalize calling a Stanley cup a sippy cup to piss your kid off.