Someone please help me convince my boyfriend to hire people to paint the inside of his house instead of doing it ourselves we’re only 80% of the way through one room and I’m already thinking about how I can fake my own death and move to an island until it’s over
no one:
my brain:
key largo montego
olivia rodrigo
It’s important to listen to both sides of the debate because you need to hear both the reality of the situation and also the dumbest thing anyone’s ever said
I asked my doctor if I’m healthy enough for sex and he told me I’m not even sexy enough for health.
Much like Camilla, I too take a rest after defeating an entire royal family.
My cousin got hit by a car while jogging this morning. Drunk driver plowed right through the front of his Planet Fitness
Stereotypes are like mass graves. They’re both offensive ways to lump groups of people together
Welcome to adulthood: your chin looks lonely, here’s another one.
No I won’t be attending your seance, I barely want to talk to the living
Wife: We need to talk
Me, absolutely panicking: What
Wife: We need to start buying the big jars of peanut butter
What you call “Brunch” I call “Breakfast for Alcoholics.”
It’s subtle, but if a snail has the zoomies, listen close for a soft little wheeeeeeee!
I told my son to go pick up the dog poop and he slowly looked at his dad, “I would if the lawn was mowed.” He got real brave with that.
Seeing my kids getting along, laughing, and peacefully playing together is the best fourteen seconds of my day.
“You’re so lucky you’re an adult and can do whatever you want”
-My 8yo, on our way to her 7AM hockey game
