My dribbled milkshake stains bring all the dry cleaners to my yard
My dog saw me naked this morning
now she’s sitting down at the end of the driveway waiting for her Uber to the shelter
My wife ate a bowl of chili and a large coffee before our kids’ soccer game today, so I gave her the car keys and said “I hope you make it in the time”
The performance I give pretending to have never tried trail mix to get an extra sample at Costco is Oscar-worthy
Shuffling into the kitchen in a robe Sunday morning to change the clock on the microwave is the lamest form of time travel ever.
[cavemen, having discovered fire, tentatively placing part of an animal carcass above the flames]
[my mother, suddenly appearing out of a time machine] You know you can do that just as easily in the air fryer.
If my husband doesn’t convert my ashes to ink and get me tatoo’ed into his flesh, I am coming back to dampen his socks for eternity.
[Being chased by killer]
Me: *Frantically tries to finish my Amazon order*
feeling cute. might rob a bank later.
Is it just me or does everything cost like we’re shopping in an airport now?
I haven’t worn a trench coat since a random man in his 60s said to me “what are you looking for detective” 😭😭
Sometimes the voices in my head get bullied by the voices in my stomach.
And no thanking Jesus unless he actually shows up at the ceremony
One Oscars rule that I have is when you say “TO MY PARENTS UP THERE”, you should have to clarify whether they are dead or in the balcony
this royal photo stuff… funny how you all suddenly feel like you have a license to talk about women’s bodies… newsflash: some women have zippers in their hair. some women’s legs are too small and oddly bent in on themselves. some women don’t have reflections