Me: I’m on a diet.
Random: a diet is just what you eat. Technically everyone is on a diet.
Me: do you want to go fishing? Don’t worry about what the bucket and bags of cement are for.
Officer: It seems you have been drinking. Could you say the alphabet starting with the letter M?
No problem: Malphabet.
Oh wow, she’s so whimsical and fun. Ope, I’m wrong. She’s just plastered in the middle of the day.
My 4yo wanted to show me how she’d put her little brother to bed. When we opened his door, he was up playing with toys. She cried NO YOU’RE SUPPOSED TO STAY IN BED and my oh my, how the tables have turned
My youngest kid quit liking cheese, so now I have to eat it for the both of us
Based on my date’s reaction, they should really call them “Unhappy Meals.”
Of all the terrible tweets credited to sausagey-sounding clerics, this one is by Father Wurst.
5yo: Dad, if you make me take a bath I will scream and yell and cry, and then you will have to give me a consequence. You don’t want me to have a consequence do you?
How scared do I need to be for this kid’s teenage years
Computers are quite simple to explain. You see, they are just like the body. Let’s start with the processor- that’s the brain. The RAM, this I guess is also the brain. Now the hard drive, this too is the brain. The video card is more brain. Ok. I hope this has been helpful.
I see what percentage you guys leave your phones on, how the hell are you gonna expect electric cars to get you anywhere.
A existential ship hitting an iceberg is called a Whytanic.
This dude winked at me in the market so when he wasn’t looking I put a bunch of douches in his cart
Me: [buys six boxes of Girl Scout Cookies outside store]
[Later]
Me [walking into house]: Hey I bought a box of Girl Scout cookies.
Husband seen complaining about a plate that hadn’t been cleaned properly which he’d personally cleaned.
Booked an escape room but just to get away from everyone… no plans of escaping, they’re gonna have to kick me out