Father O’Malley answers the phone. ‘Hello, is this Father O’Malley?’
‘It is!’
‘This is the IRS. Can you help us?’
‘I can!’
‘Do you know a Ted Houlihan?’
‘I do!’
‘Is he a member of your congregation?’
‘He is!’
‘Did he donate $10,000 to the church?’
‘He will.’
*watching videos of people cooking in public bathrooms*
The CDC should absolutely have a prison
Amazon just got FAA approved for drone deliveries in Texas.
So now we have skeet shooting with miscellaneous prizes.
Motherhood is complicated because we’ll share our whole body with our kids, but not our snacks. The Thin Mints are mine, bro.
Computer: Password can’t be any previously used password
Me: (Uses old password and adds an exclamation point at the end)
Originally it was thought that it was our ability to love that made us human. However, it is now believed that it is our ability to pick out photos with traffic lights in them.
Movie idea: a gang of precision bank robbers, who were—now get this—trained…by…a…Doberman.
Yes I’ve gained weight. Too many people wanted to have sex with me. It was annoying.
My chess strategy is to make a bunch of erratic moves at the beginning to throw my opponent off, & then lose the game
Judge: how do you plead?
Me: Hakuna Matata.
Judge: what does that mean?
Me: I’m glad you asked *deep breath* 🎶…
March is coming in like a lamb. Slaughtered and roasted with a nice mint sauce, mashed potatoes and seasonal vegetables.
My gf wants us to try couples counseling and I said we should use my therapist bc he already knows what’s wrong with her
Lake Superior was named the second most scenic lake in the world, beaten only by Lake Superiorer.
There’s a stomach bug going around the daycare. I took the elevator with a dad who’d had it just the day before. He gave this strain rave reviews. He threw up just once after dinner and then was completely fine.
I can’t wait for my family’s turn.
Love it when boxers go back to their corner to get advice between rounds. Did you try punching him and not letting him punch you? You did? Then I don’t know what to tell you. Keep doing that but more.