in addition to “block” and “report” there should be a button that tells the user’s mom what they’ve been posting
I wish forks had three prongs instead of four. I’d feel so powerful eating with a miniature trident. I want to dominate my food, not give it acupuncture.
Standing at life’s crossroads: embarking on a master’s degree in business economics or getting a neck tattoo. Both equally boost employability in today’s market.
Lied on my résumé and got the hospital job. Hope performing surgery doesn’t come up.
I get it February, I can only leap about once every four years too.
It’s March tomorrow. February lasted 17 seconds. Christmas soon. Knew I shouldn’t have put the tree away.
I lied on my resume yesterday. I told them I wanted a job
we should absolutely get off work for Leap Day. you’re making me clock in on february 29th? a totally made up day? time is an illusion and so is capitalism. i’m going to the park
The Wendy’s Baconator is my favorite burger that also sounds like a pig from the future who’s here to kill you
Pros and cons of doing something you love:
Pros: It’s something you love
Cons: Doing.
I’m doing zoom therapy at my mom’s house while she’s in the other room so I guess it’s dad’s fault today
Son: “Did you know alligators can grow up to 15 feet?”
Me: “Wow, I thought most only had 4.”
The first five days after the weekend are the worst.
Slipknot sacked their drummer a few months ago, and suddenly Kate Middleton is nowhere to be seen?
Surely not a coincidence, she must be locked in rehearsals frantically learning their tour set list and getting a horror mask fitted.
Does anyone want a $100 bill? Because I’m giving away $100 bills!
Here, you can have my $100 phone bill… and my $100 grocery bill…. and my $100 insurance bill!