I have a coworker who clears her throat every 30 seconds…. each day I ask myself… is this the day I’m going to prison for murder?
My doctor: you really need to work on getting that D into you
Me: bro I’m trying, I’ve got a date next week and everything
My Jehovahs Witness coworker got mad when I started calling him the “Knock-topus” after he spilled ink all over his shirt
I always fear that oneday I will enter my house and find a thief, knocked out unconscious by the things fallen on his head from some closet
Sure Xfinity internet service is overpriced and spotty but you can’t put a price on unintentionally being dropped from every Zoom meeting.
ME: how old are you?
EGG AND CHEESE SANDWICH UNDER A GAS STATION HEAT LAMP AT 8 PM: im breakfast
ME: and how long have you been breakfast?
Boss: you need to take a drug test
Me: not if you want me to do this job
guess who just got fired. the big man at merriam webster didnt like me sneaking in my own ideas for words. not very pompsh of them. not very pompsh at hocklorp
Interviewer: can I get you anything?
Me: yea a job
homeless guy said “hey there pretty lady, show me that smile, where’s that smile?” and I said “it’s at my house”
Both my wife and I work from home. She treats me as a colleague despite us doing completely different roles in very different industries. She keeps bouncing ideas off me to which I nod along helpfully. No idea what she’s talking about.
Anything can serve briefly as a boat. The key word is *briefly*
ME: *first day working at LinkedIn* You need to have a DM jail feature
CEO: That’s a great idea
ME: Call it ClinkedIn
CEO: Get out!
My wife refuses to hire a housekeeper bc *checks notes* she doesn’t want them to see this mess.
You know what? I’m sick of your attitude.
*Unfrenches your fries*