My cousin got hit by a car while jogging this morning. Drunk driver plowed right through the front of his Planet Fitness
Stereotypes are like mass graves. They’re both offensive ways to lump groups of people together
Welcome to adulthood: your chin looks lonely, here’s another one.
No I won’t be attending your seance, I barely want to talk to the living
Wife: We need to talk
Me, absolutely panicking: What
Wife: We need to start buying the big jars of peanut butter
What you call “Brunch” I call “Breakfast for Alcoholics.”
It’s subtle, but if a snail has the zoomies, listen close for a soft little wheeeeeeee!
I told my son to go pick up the dog poop and he slowly looked at his dad, “I would if the lawn was mowed.” He got real brave with that.
Seeing my kids getting along, laughing, and peacefully playing together is the best fourteen seconds of my day.
“You’re so lucky you’re an adult and can do whatever you want”
-My 8yo, on our way to her 7AM hockey game
Stores today are like, thanks for buying this gum, please tip us 20%, apply for our credit card, and round up to save the children. Also fill out this survey.
toast doesn’t talk how do you know it’s french
When my kids requested a song in the car, I jokingly said, “Sure OR… stay with me, Mommy could sing it for you!”
I may never emotionally recover from their critique 😭
I’m at the age where my mind firmly believes I’m 29, my humor suggests I’m 12 and my body possibly died in the Civil War.
Someone once told me that women are like books, and they were right: they have names and spines, and there’s some in the library.