Once my wife asked me to tell her a story that would put her asleep, so I said “let’s talk about the history of operating systems.”
The exasperated gasp and nearly audible eye-roll told me I was on the right track! 😜
eyes: what’s that
me with eye drops: nothing.
If life has taught me one thing, it’s that I need more money.
Wife: Can you turn on the oven?
Me: [starts dancing seductively in front of oven]
Wife: why for everything
Know your sleep disorders!
Insomnia = Can’t sleep at home.
Outsomnia = Can’t sleep in public.
Upsomnia = Can’t sleep in a hot air balloon.
Downsomnia = Can’t sleep sealed up in your friend’s catacombs.
ME: (ordering for my date) What do you recommend for the lady?
HOT DOG VENDOR: Hot dogs.
A bunch of things I labeled yesterday as tomorrow problems had the nerve to show up today and I’m just like excuse me who said you could be here.
The “I Voted” sticker should have a frowny face on it this year.
I Tokyo drifted around a corner on black ice this morning and now I gotta swing back home for some fresh underwear happy Friday
I’m hoping Dune 2 gives me new opportunities to pun off Paul Atreides.
Paul: Fear is the mind killer
Me: Paul AfraidesPaul: Doctor Yeuh has double-crossed us
Me: Paul Betraydes
My 6yo asked if she could read me her book on our ride home. I said sure. My 6yo with her best outside voice, “table of contents!” Oh boy, it’s gonna be a long ride.
That time I pointed out to the guy trying to sell a magazine subscription that I have a “No Soliciting” sign and he rolled his eyes and said, “Yeah but I’m not soliciting, I’m selling”. Thus ends the tale of why I have a “do not disturb” sign.
It’s so weird being an introverted parent to an extroverted child because whenever I’m around town without her, strangers are like “hey, where’s Greta?” and I’m like you’re a random senior citizen in the coffee shop, how do you know my 4-year-old??
*God, watching me lying in bed while eating a pile of doritos I spilled on my chest*
probably could’ve just made that one a mollusk
google maps should not count towards my screen time. i’m not addicted to my phone im disoriented