Finding out that the majority of microplastics come from tire dust should be a call to rethink our push for electric cars, and consider the environment-friendly potential of moving castles
Comedians should be funny (agree with my politics) instead of being political (not agreeing with my politics)
in addition to “block” and “report” there should be a button that tells the user’s mom what they’ve been posting
I wish forks had three prongs instead of four. I’d feel so powerful eating with a miniature trident. I want to dominate my food, not give it acupuncture.
Standing at life’s crossroads: embarking on a master’s degree in business economics or getting a neck tattoo. Both equally boost employability in today’s market.
Lied on my résumé and got the hospital job. Hope performing surgery doesn’t come up.
I get it February, I can only leap about once every four years too.
It’s March tomorrow. February lasted 17 seconds. Christmas soon. Knew I shouldn’t have put the tree away.
I lied on my resume yesterday. I told them I wanted a job
we should absolutely get off work for Leap Day. you’re making me clock in on february 29th? a totally made up day? time is an illusion and so is capitalism. i’m going to the park
The Wendy’s Baconator is my favorite burger that also sounds like a pig from the future who’s here to kill you
Pros and cons of doing something you love:
Pros: It’s something you love
Cons: Doing.
I’m doing zoom therapy at my mom’s house while she’s in the other room so I guess it’s dad’s fault today
Son: “Did you know alligators can grow up to 15 feet?”
Me: “Wow, I thought most only had 4.”
The first five days after the weekend are the worst.