ME: (throwing my car keys to the valet) Run me over real quick, chief.
“Can you delete that photo of me? It looks EXACTLY the way I look in real life.”
-People
I used to think that ‘Gun point’ and ‘Knife point’ were real places. I’d see or hear media reports about things like; ‘man robbed at knife point’ and think ‘ooh, never want to go there, too much crime.’
At the self checkout I make small talk with myself and I wish I would just shut up
Some of you people, plus the magic marker I ate earlier, make me sick.
Some of you people, plus the magic marker I ate earlier, make me sick.
Someone asked me if a co-worker was going to quit without notice. I correctly said notice isn’t required, employment in our state is ‘at-will.’ I was written up for “spreading rumors.” I worked 1 day into the next month to ensure 30 days more benefits and quit without notice.
What’s the dumbest thing you ever got in trouble for at work? Let me start: I just got a “verbal warning” for the words, “let’s see how that works out.”
A million dollars to the person who invents a GPS that says “turn right at the Taco Bell” because what tf is 400ft?
I don’t think people are allowed to complain about a Wonka Experience that sold itself as a day of magical whimsy then delivered uncanny horror beyond comprehension
12: My favorite band is Green Day
Grandpa: Who the hell is green dog?
Me: Clifford’s cousin
Have kids so you can find a banana peel in your washing machine AFTER you washed your clothes.
Just had an email from a reader who is a vegetarian. Complaining about too much vegan food on menus. And asking for my sympathy and support. I intend to think very seriously about this issue.
How do I even know this guy is my “boss”. I’ve just been taking his word for it
If you ever get attacked by a shark, just be a good sport about it and let it eat you. Hey, look on the bright side: It’s a rare occurrence, so you’re special.