Slipknot sacked their drummer a few months ago, and suddenly Kate Middleton is nowhere to be seen?
Surely not a coincidence, she must be locked in rehearsals frantically learning their tour set list and getting a horror mask fitted.
Does anyone want a $100 bill? Because I’m giving away $100 bills!
Here, you can have my $100 phone bill… and my $100 grocery bill…. and my $100 insurance bill!
Them: What is your favorite thing to go hiking with?
Me: My car.
Attention, Auto-Correct – it’s never “He’ll yeah!” Stop trying!
You’d think Kate Middleton would have people to hide for her.
I was talking to my wife last night. Man, it sounds like her husband is a real jerk.
it is 1424. we live in hovels and discuss the fate of the princess. meat is too expensive.
it is 1724. we live in hovels and discuss the fate of the princess. meat is too expensive.
it is 2024. we live in hovels and discuss the fate of the princess. meat is too expensive.
I have a coworker with the same first name as me, and my boss is always talking about sending him on trips or assigning him projects, and it makes me anxious even though I know he’s not talking about me.
I bet Beyoncé doesn’t have this problem.
Maybe Kate Middleton ran away with me. You don’t know.
[in the middle of a mountain lion attack] do not make me get the spray bottle
My 6yo is chanting all the words that rhyme with sucker and this is going to end badly in about 3 seconds
It’s so weird that AI applications keep getting forced on us even though they barely work. It’s like if when potato chips hit the market, every bag was half full of pencil shavings.
My wife has close friends whose husbands are notably worse than me and I highly recommend this arrangement
My flabber has been gasted.
[my first day as a bank teller]
guy comes up to window: i’m here to make a withdrawal
me: i’ll need to see some ID sir
guy [pulls out gun]: here’s my ID
me: umm, sir, that’s not ID. that’s a gun [turning to coworker] is this guy an idiot?
guy: no, i’m saying, this is a robbery
me: no, sir. this is a bank [turning to coworker] is this dude for real?