Those are NOT normal gifts
-my 6yo listening to the 12 Days of Christmas
What do you call a sheep covered in chocolate?
A candy baa
#DadJoke
I believe it was the great and ancient philosophers who once foretold a most wise and accurate existential statement that transcends all time and space: I fuck around, therefore I find out.
When I moved into my new igloo, my friends threw me a surprise house-warming party.
Now I’m homeless.#dadjokes #dadjoke #puns
My so-called “friends” have asked that I stop referring to them that way.
Persuading my cat to go outside in the cold is a bit like when I had to encourage my daughter to go down the slide when she was 5.
Go on.
You can do it.
Brave girl.
GO ON.
My husband and l have a secret to making our marriage last. Twice a week we go to a nice restaurant, drink a little wine, eat good food, and enjoy
companionship.
He goes on Tuesdays, I go on Fridays.
“you live and you learn” brother I don’t want to do either of those things
I slept like a baby, knowing I’m a burden to everyone around me
My favorite things about Twitter are that everything you read is true, everyone is nice, and all intentions are pure of heart
Something in my kitchen is beeping quietly 3 times every minute. I can’t find it and it’s driving me crazy. My husband wouldn’t even hear it with his hearing aids in. I’ve never been more jealous of hearing loss.
