Scientist 1: I don’t care if you discovered it, we are not naming it THAT
Me: Naming what?
Scientist 2: You know what IT is.
Me: Ohhhh The Hugh ManateeScientists start rage screaming
A chocolate advent calendar is a test of restraint that I simply do not have
What did the dad reply to the mom who said “I’ve had enough, I’m selling my kid on eBay”?
“Don’t be silly. You made him, so sell him on Etsy.”
Me *watching HOW TO LOSE A GUY IN 10 DAYS*
My husband: why are you taking notes
I may look calm but on the inside I’m 28 over-caffeinated panic attacks in a trench coat
The best-selling postcard of all time depicted a man and a woman under a tree. The man, reading a book, says ‘Do you like Kipling?’ and the woman responds: ‘I don’t know, you naughty boy. I’ve never kippled’. It sold 6 million copies
I’d tell you to go to Hell, but i work there and don’t wanna see you everyday.
It’s so cute how my husband gently presses on my foot as if it’s a break that will stop me from talking
black friday used to have heart. i wanna see someone get clocked for a wii
I punch in 70 seconds on my microwave and it corrects me to 1:10. We’re like an old married couple
My next door neighbor invited me to a party at his place, but he’s creepy, so I didn’t go. The next day when he asked why I didn’t show up, I couldn’t think of an excuse, so I said I couldn’t find parking. He just nodded and said “Next time, take a Uber.”
just had a chilling thought… do br*t*sh and canadian people call it ‘dragon ball zed’ 🤢
dog: [brings sticks inside]
me: no that belongs outside
me, at Christmas time: [brings entire tree inside]
dog: what the actual shit is this
Thank god I grew up with stuffing because if I’d never heard of it before and someone showed up to my house as an adult with wet bread and celery casserole my first instinct would be to beat their ass
when my brother was at the height of his teenage boy gym phase he used to get a rotisserie chicken and sit out the front of the house sharing it with like 4 different cats and the neighbours dog. was actually very beautiful