(therapist voice)
Please, lie down on the shrouch.
traffic be dumb as hell cause what that first person in line be doing
Vishnu bud you’re gonna want to sit down for this
placebo pills? more like sike meds
what the hell girl, sure
I will never be a cocomelon parent you gone sit here n watch the wire season 4
shotgunning a can of soup and crushing it against my forehead like a beer can
I purposely overcook my holiday turkeys so I don’t have to hear anyone at the table say, “moist.”
However I die, I want my tombstone to say “Unknown Local Man Found Eaten By Squirrels.”
Me: I can forgive but I’ll NEVER forget
McDonald’s cashier: Again Sir, I’m sorry we left you a nugget short in your six piece meal
due date
zone out
Me: I’m so into escape rooms I do one every day!
HR: you need to stop referring to our workplace as an escape room.