Liking bad movies is silly and endearing but liking bad music is grounds for euthanasia
Jeez…it’s like the people in this nursing home have never heard techno before.
Hobbies Include:
Washing and drying clothes with tissues in the pockets.
jokes on you i can still tweet in a straitjacket
What’s the matter, babe? You’ve barely touched your spaghetti cube.
“I want to leave my children in a better place.” sounds so much more positive than, “man abandons children at Disney World.”
Orcas, if you’re listening, I hope you’re able to find Jeff Bezos’ $500M superyacht.
passed a guy walking down the street video chatting someone but here’s a fun twist: he was doing it on a laptop
My local zoo has installed signs throughout the grounds with my photo that say, “Do Not Feed The Animals Or This Guy.”
When I die I want my hearse to play ice cream truck music
I’d like to make a formal apology to whomever had to clean the Shake Shack restroom at HWY 35 and Pirate Cove Lane after my visit.
me: i made my first million by the age of 21
her: wow, a million dollars?!
me: no, mistakes
I’m still waiting for the day my parents will say, “It’s all fake, we are millionaires, this was just to teach you to be humble”.
I don’t want to intimidate you, but I learned all my fighting skills from Hong Kong Phooey.
