Self checkout is amazing for introverts until the machine breaks and two employees have to come fix it while you wait
I make one little mistake and now my pharmacist adds, “by mouth” to all my prescriptions labels
I would love to watch a documentary about my life, because I am VERY confused
Putting tin foil on my beard to cover the leftovers that fall in there.
🌲😼
hi, grandma? can u come pick me up from my rap battle? it’s over. no, i lost and I’ve decided to initiate legal action against Universal Music Group (UMG) and Spotify
“Pease porridge hot”
Sure.“Pease porridge cold”
Less desirable, but I guess.“Pease porridge in the pot nine days old”
Ok, now this is just starting to sound like a health code violation
My friends can barely make rent, but everybody on home buying TV shows is like, “My husband is a professional thumb wrestler and I’m a rubber duck designer. Our budget is fourteen quadrillion dollars.”
This “all purpose” flour did not get my car clean at all
me: did I notice an off brand dish detergent in your apartment?
girl who would never date me bc I’m always trying to sell stuff but she feels lonely during the holidays: yes
me: does it cut thru the grease and grime?
Coughing so much that next doors dog has started barking back at me. Best conversation all day
My joke about a partition wall really split the room
My girlfriend is the square root of -100.
She’s a 10, but imaginary
Believing everything you read on the internet is the key
Captain: Does anyone have a hanky we can use for a white flag?
Me: Here Cap.
Captain: Does anyone have a clean hanky we can use for a white flag?