someone my age is hot and a successful assassin and I am making powerpoint presentation
With the year coming to a close, please remember to send all apologies and confessions of love to my email before January. I will be refreshing my inbox every 30 minutes. Thank you.
What’s your superpower?
Spiderman: ummm, parkour.
When I was a kid, I literally thought “This little pig went to market” meant it went shopping.
[slowly crosses McRib off my manifesto]
I would describe my personal style as whatever is on top of the pile of clothes on the floor
First date idea: I lean in close and surprise you with a wet willy.
It’s like this photographer has never seen a woman bring a rotisserie chicken to her Boudoir session before.
At this point, I’m not sure if my house is a mess or my mess is a house.
*apocalypse happens*
My kids: This place doesn’t have any wifi?
Me: No place has any wifi.
My kids: Ugh. This is the worst apocalypse ever!
Child: Why are you on the computer if it’s your day off?
Me: What else am I going to do?
Child: I dunno. Old people stuff?
Me:
Child: Knit a sweater. Yell at cars. Forget why you walked into a room.
Me: Mom is going to come home to one less kid.
Pescatarian is a beautiful name for a baby
Took three Ambiens and tried to call God on the microwave
When I was a kid I assumed all Christmas songs were about Jesus because that was all I was exposed to so everytime I heard Last Christmas I was like…why would Jesus do that
Showed my 9yo some of his newborn pics and he very helpfully pointed out that I looked a lot younger back then