What do you mean there’s only 3 hours of sunlight left, I haven’t had lunch yet???
*immediately after a hysterectomy*
ok weigh me now.
Again, I went to pick up a prescription and the pharmacist asked for my date of birth. I told him to write it down this time.
Tower: Where are you, pilot?
Pilot: I’m over Cologne.
Tower: Your pungent odour has not gone unnoticed, but where are you?
Don’t tell me I don’t know anything about love!! They just opened up a cheesecake sample cart at Costco
…but like… what if I WANT new socks for Christmas?
Ever wonder how many cap fulls of ZzzQuil would it take for you to wake up spooning an inflatable Snowman 2 blocks away ….. well it’s 3
in today’s fast-paced world we simply don’t have time for CEOs to be visited by three Christmas ghosts
Aww My microbiome is craving some fermented fruit? Perhaps some kombucha? I don’t care. I’m the macrobiome I’ll drink a Fanta lemon if I want to. I’ll swallow coins.
[Me watching football on TV]
Oh man this reminds me of high school
Her: you played football in high school?
Me: no, I watched TV
They should do a Calculator App Wrapped where it shows you the dumbest calculations you did this year. Real moron stuff like 20% off 20, or 1×8, or 6+9
A hacker called me and said he had all my passwords. I got a pen and paper and said ‘Thank God for that, what are they?’
Cottage cheese isn’t cheese at all. That just a curd to me.
Half of this strand of Christmas lights doesn’t work so I’m just going to ball it back up and toss it in the bin so it can piss me off again next year.
CEOs are in danger, we need to put all of them in a submarine until we know it’s safe