I said into the microphone at karaoke “I hope they never catch that guy” and everyone cheered
Me: Please stop responding like Siri, it’s starting to creep me out.
Husband: On it!
Justice is a dish best served cold.
If it were served warm, it would be justwater.
I brushed my hair and put on mascara to go look for a tree. Sup trees, how YOU doin
wife: what are you thinking about
guy who invented coffee: what if we pick the fruit off this plant, remove the seeds, roast them on a stove, let them cool off, grind them up into a near powder, pour boiling hot water over them, and then drink it
As a tree surgeon, the hardest part of my job is explaining to a patient they’ll never walk again.
“Grandma jumped in front of my client.”
-Reindeer lawyer
1st package: elaborate ribbon! precision corners! glittering magnificence!
4th: wrapping paper, some tape
15th: plastic grocery bag, staples
Me: You’re my favorite kid.
My kid: My favorite adult is Santa
skipping every song that reminds me of him
-me, listing to the playlist i made for him
Him: How did he die?
Me: He was attacked by a group of crows.
Him: A murder?
Me: Well, he’s clearly not still alive, Kevin.
I can’t believe the 12 days of Christmas is all birds and musicians and not a single thing with potatoes anywhere.
Not telling the NYPD how to do their job but if they really wanted to catch the guy they should have offered free healthcare as a reward
When I go out on a Friday night, I choose my outfit based on what would look best in my mugshot
Adding, “I’ll tell you THAT for free…” leaves the door open to sending an invoice at other times.