Shout out to all you people out there who get asked if you’re okay a lot even though that’s the only facial expression you have.
Recorded myself talking in my sleep and I rhyme a lot. Somehow I’ve developed sleep rapnea.
“sixth cousins three times removed” is not related. i’m probably sixth cousins three times removed with a martian.
Having a dramatic falling out with somebody is so embarrassing .. people will be like “what happened” and now you have to sound like a 7-year-old
love it when you say or do some common sense thing and the other person has “file not found” written all over their face
(trying to indicate to my partner that i would like another beer if theyre getting up, but using only skills i learned from point and click adventure games) wow, i could really go a beer right now. maybe some beer would help in this situation. i think there’s some beer over there
I rode around the block on my bike for the first time in years and now I understand why Lance Armstrong took performance enhancing drugs.
one time i was taking a cpr training class and someone did cpr so hard on the manikin that the head popped off and then she went to lunch and never came back
I’m not that toxic
*glows in the dark*
I threw a ball for my dog.
May be a little extravagant, but he looks great in a tux.
me: I believe it was Meatloaf who said two out of three ain’t bad
wife: YOU LEFT ONE OF OUR KIDS AT THE GROCERY STORE
INTERVIEWER: can you explain this gap in your resume
ME: no but i can explain this gap in my teeth. i can shoot water out of it. *takes a sip of his coffee* vanna thee?
“I can’t believe putting bears in charge of the hospital administration system didn’t work out. They just kept eating all the patients!”
“Maybe we should let the bears choose the doctors?”
“And run the hospital cafeteria!”
“More bear involvement is obviously the answer!”
You get to choose which path you take.
I see some of you have chosen the psychopath.
To whoever has my voodoo doll, please stop making her go to work