I see what percentage you guys leave your phones on, how the hell are you gonna expect electric cars to get you anywhere.
A existential ship hitting an iceberg is called a Whytanic.
This dude winked at me in the market so when he wasn’t looking I put a bunch of douches in his cart
Me: [buys six boxes of Girl Scout Cookies outside store]
[Later]
Me [walking into house]: Hey I bought a box of Girl Scout cookies.
Husband seen complaining about a plate that hadn’t been cleaned properly which he’d personally cleaned.
Booked an escape room but just to get away from everyone… no plans of escaping, they’re gonna have to kick me out
Father O’Malley answers the phone. ‘Hello, is this Father O’Malley?’
‘It is!’
‘This is the IRS. Can you help us?’
‘I can!’
‘Do you know a Ted Houlihan?’
‘I do!’
‘Is he a member of your congregation?’
‘He is!’
‘Did he donate $10,000 to the church?’
‘He will.’
*watching videos of people cooking in public bathrooms*
The CDC should absolutely have a prison
Amazon just got FAA approved for drone deliveries in Texas.
So now we have skeet shooting with miscellaneous prizes.
Motherhood is complicated because we’ll share our whole body with our kids, but not our snacks. The Thin Mints are mine, bro.
Computer: Password can’t be any previously used password
Me: (Uses old password and adds an exclamation point at the end)
Originally it was thought that it was our ability to love that made us human. However, it is now believed that it is our ability to pick out photos with traffic lights in them.
Movie idea: a gang of precision bank robbers, who were—now get this—trained…by…a…Doberman.
Yes I’ve gained weight. Too many people wanted to have sex with me. It was annoying.
My chess strategy is to make a bunch of erratic moves at the beginning to throw my opponent off, & then lose the game