You can tell they named the aardvark early in the week and the anteater on a Friday.
Hey I bet if lumberjacks had a dating app it’d be called Timber. And I bet also that if beavers had a dating app it’d also be called Timber. And I even bet—hell, I’m willing to say it—I bet if pirates had a dating app it’d be called Timber, too. You know as in shiver me
Dissecting someone who’s really cute is an awwwtopsy.
Vet: Hahaha look at this idiot, forgetting to bring his pet to the vet, get him on the wall of shame!
Me: 🙁
My chameleon: 🙂
German chocolate cake is just regular cake that doesn’t talk about the 40’s
I’m getting close to that age where people applaud the things I’m “still able to do”
my sister: snowboards
my brother: skateboards
me: charcuterie boards
[Court]
Me *taking the witness stand*
Judge: Hey, put that back!
Used to be, bugs knew their place. Spring, summer, fall, but they gave us winter. Today’s bugs are not honorable.
putting lotion on isn’t making your skin any less dry because you’re only addressing a symptom and not the source of the problem. You gotta drink that shit
Why does cake packaging have to be the loudest thing on planet earth? Doesn’t it know that I want to eat it at 3 a.m.?
Went to HR to complain about my coworkers but my mom said she can’t fire my kids
Me, at the intervention: “Ah look, all the reasons I drink gathered in one place.”
My mispronunciation of French words is a touché subject.
I never eat breakfast at home, but when on vacation I go out for breakfast every day and am like “YES I’D LIKE THE STARVING LUMBERJACK GUTBUSTER PLATTER AND A SIDE PILE OF BACON.”