Me : One of your friends punched me in the face!
Him : Which one?
Me : I only have one face, Carl.
AT&T had a nationwide outage, giving kids an authentic 1900s experience.
You don’t have to choose between being a fighter and a lover. If you say you have a bad back you can normally get out of doing both.
I don’t want to stand, Apple Watch. You stand.
excited for my first day at at&t as a network engineer supporting national infrastructure. just unplugged a few things in the server room for my space heater. it’s cold in here. should be fine though
If you’re really not supposed to mix vodka with nail polish remover it should say so on the bottle
I taught myself how to play the drums and I’m not very good at it. How can I tell if I’m a bad drummer or a bad teacher?
When zombies find campers in sleeping bags, I bet they think “mmm, people burritos.”
Rich people don’t put their couches against their wall. I moved my couch into the middle of the floor and still haven’t gotten rich. Idk what I’m doing wrong here
Him: do you know an easy way to draw three flying birds?
Me: mmm
Him: thanks
When someone pisses me off, I plan my revenge in my head.
Then I realize how long that will take and I take a nap instead.
Alexa, mess up everyone’s cell phone service.
Airport: come like 3 hours early
Ok what gate do I go to
Airport: not telling until last minute 🤫
ME: but I got to the buffet before anyone else
MANAGER: that’s not how the first responder discount works
definitely thought i’d be solving mysteries and unmasking ghosts in a van with a dog by this point in my life