I love rotting in bed. My vision board is just a picture of the grandparents in Willy Wonka
People who live in glass houses should install frosted glass around the toilet part.
Boyfriend is mad at me because he said people are silly to spend $300 on tickets to “Shen Yun: 5,000 Years of Civilization Reborn” and I told him that’s a great deal in terms of years of civilization per dollar
i was going to warn my kids about the repercussions of drugs and alcohol until i realized that they in fact were the repercussions of drugs and alcohol
My husband made me a drink & told me to sit down while he makes dinner & all I can say is, whatever he did wrong, I’m totally fine with it.
We can put a man on the moon, but we can’t think of a less terrifying way to can biscuits
While I appreciate your candor, I am not sure what you propose I do with my opinion is physically possible.
[Spelling bee]
“Your word is DEFLECTION”
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
“Can YOU use it in a sentence?”
Every time I see a couple riding a tandem bike, I try to figure out which one of them is pissed about it.
I opened wordle to play while waiting for the bus, and force of habit, I pulled my pants down cause I’m so used to playing it on the toilet
(looking up from my book) only a couple words in and already i know i’m gonna like this book. this dickens guy immediately establishes that it was the best of times. people used to write about that kind of thing, just good guys having a nice time. (i turn back to the book) f***!
husband: do you know where the thing is
me: can I buy a noun
My boss: If you say “that would make a great band name” one more time I have to fire you.
Me, looking at a box that says “Hand Soap Refill”: It has been a pleasure working with you
The inventor of perforated paper has died.
RIP
I’d pay a premium to stay in a hotel that dispensed knockout gas when it sensed loud hallway talkers.