Me: welcome to my she shed
Gynecologist: please don’t call it that
I sometimes wonder how they decided what animals made the cut in the animal crackers.. who thought leaving out raccoons was a good call?
i physically cannot make a spotify playlist without adding every song i’ve ever liked. i’ll start one called “sad :(” and it’ll end up with temperature by sean paul on it
As someone with extensive IT experience, I can almost guarantee the AT&T outage yesterday was over some certificate expiring somewhere and nobody knowing how to regenerate it because Carl got laid off seven years ago and the only machine with the keys decommissioned in 2019.
mom, did you know there are more kids than teachers at my school?
-my 7 year old making the best of her public education
[trying to fit in with people at the gym]
me: *takes a big swig of gatorade* wow you can really taste the gator
Just been diagnosed with a chronic fear of giants.
Feefiphobia.
for a small fee i’ll attend your funeral from a distance wearing a black leather catsuit while standing in the rain and crying, no umbrella, so your family thinks you could have been batman.
Sometimes, I like to establish dominance over my shorter friends by telling them we need to hurry, and then climbing up a staircase, two steps at a time.
Me: will the kids ever be on time to school?
Magic 8 Ball: *laughs hysterically*
The way I act when I have to line my wheel up at the car wash you would think I’m trying to land a 747 on a tightrope.
I’m growing a ponytail so no one will ever ask me to hold their baby.
90’s style insults need to come back.
Been itching to tell someone they need to go to the clue store to get one.
Me to my boss: Hey I have to wfh today, I couldn’t answer the riddles three. Yep, they didn’t let me across the bridge. I’ll see you on Teams though.
Me : One of your friends punched me in the face!
Him : Which one?
Me : I only have one face, Carl.