you can’t prove that threatening a toilet doesn’t work
It just seems like one would see a lot more data while flying through the clouds.
Playing Silent Hill and honestly there’s a fair amount of noise in this game.
The Universe can have my atoms back.
I don’t want them anymore.
Paranormal investigator: “Who’s there?”
Gen X ghost: “Your mom.”
Normal people: we want a sensible & intuitive home design
Modern architects: we moved the first floor to the second floor and made the stairs into an infinite loop.
Cake hits so much harder off a plastic fork.
husband: do you know where the thing is
me: could I buy a noun
Interviewer: Can you explain this gap in your resume
Me: Street magic
My daughter was asking where her plastic katana was and when she found it, held it up and said “it’s poorly made but it’ll do”
In 1987, an American weapons manufacturing employee joked to his boss that he had sold secrets to the Daleks. The boss reported the employee and the matter reached the FBI, where the investigation stopped after someone explained who the Daleks were.
My Saturday was goin great til I realized it’s actually Sunday
My grandfather poured his blood, sweat and tears into his career.
Amazing man. Horrible chef.
One time, I swallowed a dictionary whole.
It was thesaurus throat I’ve ever had.