Would it kill the makers of avocados to put a different toy inside?
Why did they call it “conjugal visit” when “guilty pleasure” was right there?
HIM: *turning the heat down* You have the heat too high!
HER: *turning it up* No, YOU have the heat too LOW!
MARRIAGE COUNSELOR: Stop that, this is my office.
Movie idea:
A slasher film that ends with the heroine gloating as she hands the killer over to the cops, but then she realizes her car is parked over in the same direction. They all have to walk together and make small talk and it’s super awkward.
English is kinda weird but I’m so glad it isn’t a gendered language. It is none of my business what gender bread identifies as.
I guess the creator of Pop Rocks was like:
Sugar isn’t enough, they need to detonate
Everyone is fighting a battle (with goblins) that you know nothing about (because you failed a perception check)
Just wait. All of the Presidents will be on sale tomorrow
Office Tip: If you have an even slightly more advanced understanding of Excel, do not, I repeat, do not share this secret with your coworkers.
Old MacDonald had a personalised numberplate, E1 E10.
Old MacDonald had a walkie talkie, Echo India Echo India Oscar.
Why can’t medications have positive side effects? Like “may make everything you eat taste like chocolate cake” or “may make you remember why you walked into that room the first time”.
The only time your man will surprise you is when you specifically tell him what you want.
An email so annoying, you wanna return the computer to the store.
I cringe every time I think about that time I was enquiring about a stargazing event at an observatory and I accidentally asked if it was an all day event.