Police looking for a man who stabbed six people with knitting needles.
He seems to be following some sort of pattern.
Rats the size of cats!
Cats the size of dogs!
Dogs the size of horses!
They’ve definitely put the wrong prescription in my new glasses.
me: I just want 2 minutes of privacy in the bathroom
my kid: best I can do is a paleontology lecture
My swear jar is having a very profitable week.
i hate the assumption that people who get up early are doing it to be productive. i’m up at 6:30 am to watch movies
Me: so I’m delusional?
Doctor: yes.
Me: and you’re a delusion?
Doctor: yes.
Me: I want a second opinion.
Pink Dragon: you’re delusional.
Nice try Mormons moms, but no amount of propaganda could trick me into being a good wife!
Today my 3yo said that we should celebrate because today is my last birthday… WAIT YOU LITTLE NOSTRADAMUS SHIT WHAT DO YOU KNOW?
[having helped prep some pistachios while my wife spends two hours putting together the rest of the meal] How about those nuts, huh? You can really taste the deshelling
Boss: did I hear you call me a twat?
Me: recently?
The Discovery Channel should be on a different channel every day
Stop hoisting all your food into the trees. Now the bears have to settle for the second most delicious thing at your campsite.
Every day Facebook tells me I have memories and wants to show them to me. It’s like they have no appreciation for the cost or the amount of liquor I needed to erase them.
jeff bezos can’t become a trillionaire if he gets eaten by a whale
Hey…that’s not the wallet inspector