Fitness influencer: It’s important to listen to your body.
Body: You’re old. And you want lasagna.
Bartender: What are you drinking tonight?
Me: A lot.
Next time someone says “I’m a hugger” and tries to hug me I’m gonna say “I’m a puncher” and see how it goes.
Me: *typing on laptop*
My cat: *climbs on me, reaches & puts 2 paws on my face*
Me: Aww. So sweet.
My cat: *rips my glasses off with his paws, & flings them on the floor*
Me: Or not.
Amidst a decrease in airfare prices, WestJet has hiked the cost of checked bags and Flair has added a new credit card fee. Thankfully, Air Canada has stepped up and is offering an additional 50% off of your legroom!
You can tell they named the aardvark early in the week and the anteater on a Friday.
Hey I bet if lumberjacks had a dating app it’d be called Timber. And I bet also that if beavers had a dating app it’d also be called Timber. And I even bet—hell, I’m willing to say it—I bet if pirates had a dating app it’d be called Timber, too. You know as in shiver me
Dissecting someone who’s really cute is an awwwtopsy.
Vet: Hahaha look at this idiot, forgetting to bring his pet to the vet, get him on the wall of shame!
Me: 🙁
My chameleon: 🙂
German chocolate cake is just regular cake that doesn’t talk about the 40’s
I’m getting close to that age where people applaud the things I’m “still able to do”
my sister: snowboards
my brother: skateboards
me: charcuterie boards
[Court]
Me *taking the witness stand*
Judge: Hey, put that back!
Used to be, bugs knew their place. Spring, summer, fall, but they gave us winter. Today’s bugs are not honorable.
putting lotion on isn’t making your skin any less dry because you’re only addressing a symptom and not the source of the problem. You gotta drink that shit