*looking in The Mirror of Erised*
Harry Potter: *sees his dead parents that he’s never met*
Ron Weasley: *sees a Taco Bell opening in Diagon Alley*
If I don’t stick to my diet, people are going to start calling me the last chairbender.
AT&T literally grounded someone of you with loss of telephone privileges.
Elderly relative: If you receive a friend request from me on Facebook, don’t accept it.
Me: No kidding.
99 out of 100 Planet F1tness employees don’t give a fuck. You could smoke a brisket in the locker room, they’re just gonna ride out their shift. That one percent tho…
People: My cell phone isn’t working today
Cell phone carrier: The sun spit on us.
People: Doesn’t it do that all the time though?
Cell phone carrier: Big spit. Huge.
What do you call a reluctant potato?
A hesitater.
911 OPERATOR: 911 what’s your emergency
ME: ok promise you won’t be mad
Whoever coined, “No good deed goes unpunished,” must have fed some seagulls.
I like my salad like my poker opponents – obscured from view by a massive f****** pile of my chips.
“This joke wasn’t funny until the end” okay so that’s called the punchline…….
tired: rom-coms sold us lies about love
wired: rom-coms sold us lies about building a career in journalism
what’s a good synonym for “experienced” to use in an overview summary on a resume? i tried “jaded” and apparently that’s not what employers are looking for
If I turned into a “teen wolf” my first order of business would definitely be helping my basketball team get to the local championships!
People often mistake me for an adult because of my age